In the spirit of that, I'm using this blog to compile some advice for a fellow Irish C-er.
Due to the sensitive nature of the subject, I can't name this guy by name, so here are some hints as to who he is:
- His nicknames included "the whiney bitch" and "Junior Mint."
- He once drank an entire red cup of Parrot Bay and blew $350 at Dream Palace Cabaret.
- He really tried his damnedest to be everybody's best friend and was a pretty damn good friend to all of us.
- His name rhymes with "Madam Mess."
The weekend before Halloween, this guy's got a special lady coming to visit him. As we are all possessed of the sagest of sage advice, we should use the comment section of this post to give our main man some tips on how to make the weekend unforgettable (and seal the freakin' deal so as not to wind up like Steve Carrell's character in this summer's blockbuster hit comedy).
In your comments, please remember that our main man will probably be attending costume parties that weekend, and he lives in a house with a three gross dudes (no offense, gross dudes).
So let the advice pour fourth like a warm maple syrup. You know he'd do the same for you if you needed help.
15 comments:
Big Tip No. 1:
Get a manicure and a pedicure.
Sure, it sounds ridiculous, but chicks seriously notice things like fingernails and toenails, so I've read.
To make the whole experiance less emasculating, Sara and I will even get 'em with you.
Big Tip No. 2:
Use your mutant powers.
How would the average girl react to a classic X-Men arcade game in a man's house? Not positively if it's covered in crap and not playable.
Clean the machine up and have it on when she comes over. At best, she'll want to play. At worst, you'll have a cool looking piece of kitsch instead of a hulking eyesore.
Big Tip No. 3:
Coordinate your Halloween costumes.
When people dress up for Halloween, they tend to get in character. Sometimes a little. Sometimes a lot.
Dress up as a well-known couple, and "getting in character" means doing things that couples do, such as holding hands, kissing and ... you know.
Remember that Halloween party where Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson were busted getting it on in a coat closet?
Some horrible examples are Sonny and Cher, Bonnie and Clyde, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Sid and Nancy, Spider-Man and Mary Jane, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Paris and Nicole, Al Pacino and Kirstie Alley.
Better examples include Cyclops and Marvel Girl, Link and Zelda, Mario and the Princess, Tony Parker and Eva Longoria.
So if you go as Smokey and she goes as the Bandit, get ready to live out all your Mallrats fantasies.
Didn't she look just like Burt Reynolds?
Big Tip No. 4:
Clean the holy heck out of your room.
It's a no-brainer that you need to clear out any clutter, dust, vacuum, wash all bedding and make sure the room smells nice (with fancy candles, maybe).
If you haven't already, shave the neckbeard and all other facial hair.
amen to that^.
some more tips: smell good. Sara can help you out here, ask her to go shopping with u you and she could pick out a good cologne. If a guy smells good, he definitely gets some attention.
Have shaggy hair!!! Shaggy hair is SUPER hot. If you don't have it...don't cut ur hair until it is at least 2-4 inches long all around, u kno like orlando bloom hair. If it's impossible to have the shaggy hair by halloween...then just don't worry about it. but it would be a plus++++++
watch your language:
noboy likes a pottymouth unless ur saying something that's funny... but don't make every other word f*** that you say.
Make her feel special:
Just do little things that make her happy. If she thinks your smile is cute, smile a lot. If she's cold, let her borrow your jacket, I dunno all that little stuff.
Wear contacts:
Your eyes r so cute Adam! Flaunt it lol.
You should listen to my sister (see above). Although I'm not sure about the shaggy hair thing. I don't think you can pull it off. You're no Koef.
Homemade dinners are always nice. And can be fun if you work to make them together, then have some kind of romantic dinner outside, or a picnic or something. Drew and I will cook together and then sit on the patio with candles and wine. Outside isn't a prereq though, just cooking together and watching family guy episodes cuddling on the couch is a lot of fun.
adam is silly his name should be billy
(from the same song as fionn likes soccer he could fit in my locker)
whatever you do, don't say "Barbeque pork!" if she's laying out in the sun. That didn't go over too well last time.
Besides, you don't need advice from a crazy bitch like me, Adam. I'd probably sabotage everything on purpose. I'm like that, you know. Conniving.
Devise some clever/sexy cheers for her to perform, possibly doing the choreography, too. Some spin-y numbers so you can see the bloomers/no thing. And, uhh, neckbeards/all facial hairs are TRES sexy. Reminds her that she's dealing with a man, a MAYON MAYON MAYON.
Show her pictures. Of your family. Of your friends. Of your trip to Paris. But NOT pictures/videos/collages of other girls (except for maybe me and Alana). Pictures are good storytelling devices, and we all know storytelling leads to immediate making out. Or maybe that's backrubs or movies? All good activities, anyway. Maybe she can go with to the Sci-Fi fest?
Another NOT: The green silk, short-sleeved shirt. It should be retired to the Hesswear Hall of Fame if it hasn't already.
Along the lines of not showing her pictures/collages of other girls, you should probably do a good job of hiding your encyclopedic collection of Girls Gone Wild DVDs. Perhaps you could let Lewis "own" them for a while. I'm sure he wouldn't mind. By the way, are you getting the "Fantasy Island" one, where they go through an obstacle course for our viewing pleasure?
Ok, I don't know your lady friend so the advice can't be that specific but here goes. 1)Definitely follow the advice of everyone on the shave...I would go so far as to recommend a half hour before meeting/babyface shave capped off by a tasteful cool and creamy hint of after shave 2)Do a decent amount of leg work and plan a couple different options of things to do throughout the weekend. Then put the ball in her court as far as what you actually do. This takes a little thinking and creativity but it is worth it. Tailor the options to what you think she might like. Options: picnics (indoor or outdoor, the carpet picnic has a charm), solid restaurants relevant to her taste, a good setting to meet some of your friends for a few hours, check out student rush tickets at the symphony (you still have your ID right), art museum, find a good place for a walk, good movie...possibly at a smaller theatre, anything that gives her a sense you are giving her a real feel for Phoenix so she can tell her friends about it.
Ohh I almost forgot 3) Wear that shirt that gives you the most confidence. Hopefully its not a shitty one, but you gotta go with what puts you on your game you know. It should channel a healthy and sensitive confidence. Bamm.
ahhh the man with a plan. how to help him execute it? i shall provide you with counter-examples of attractive gentlemanly behavior. it´s hard to remember all the "DOs." the "DONTs" are fewer and fare more important. So here it is- my list of Don´t Dos.
DONT:
1. stalk. this includes unannounced visits, numerous phone calls per day (read: more than 2), and the unsolicited bearing of alms.
2. forget not to stalk.
that´s all in can provide. perhaps a crib sheet would assist you in the undertaking. this can be easily constructed by writing the word "stalk" on a notecard in permanent marker, drawing a circle around it (doesn´t have to be geometrically perfect), and tracing the diameter of the circle from the upper right to lower left quadrants (radius being 0,0).
good luck, and GET LAID!
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